The Magic of Kale

Dietary experts are always saying, "Eat lots of dark greens." I recently noticed that my skin seemed to improve when I ate kale. Was it my imagination that kale helped? I did an internet search for "nutrition of kale" and came up with this great site...

http://www.nutritiondata.com/facts/vegetables-and-vegetable-products/2461/2


Not only did it tell me all the vitamins, minerals, calories and percents of fats, carbs and proteins, but it also provided the glycemic load AND inflammation factor. Kale has an extremely high anti-inflammation factor. So it was not my imagination. Kale was helping the psoriasis calm down. A magic food. I must eat more of it.



I'm not real crazy about plain kale, raw or cooked, so I came up with this simple one dish recipe to make it tastey. Baked chicken on a bed of kale and whatever other veggies you like. I use chicken with the bone in and skin on because of all the wonderful flavor the kale soaks up comes from the bone and skin. I don't eat the skin, ( I feed it to the dog), but it really keeps the chicken from drying out.

Chicken and Kale

Lightly oil the bottom of your roasting pan. I use extra virgin olive oil because that is the only oil I ever use. Wash the kale and cut away the thick middle stem. Chop into bite-size pieces. Fill the bottom of the pan with the kale. It cooks down like spinach, so be generous.

Lay any other veggies you are using on top of the kale. I used zucchini coins here. Then lay your washed and seasoned chicken pieces on top. I season with garlic powder, dried basil, and salt. Drizzle a little olive oil over the chicken pieces, cover with foil and bake at 375 degrees F. or whatever temperature you normally bake your chicken at for about an hour. I remove the foil after approximately 45 minutes so the skin will brown.

M Stands for Mountain

I had to deliver a couple of items to Number Three Son at college this week. He's only been there for three weeks and misses driving and riding in a car. We made him leave his car at home for several reasons.

a.) He has no need of a car. He has to walk all of about 100 feet from his dorm to the dining cafe. It is a small campus and it takes him less than 5 minutes to walk to any of his classes.

b.) He won't waste time and gas driving around when he should be studying.

c.) We can use the money saved by removing his car from insurance to put toward his college costs.

d.) He won't be "drifting" around the hairpin curves of Lookout Mountain in his car. This wasn't one of the reasons we ever considered, but it is now that I've driven this road!

Lookout Mountain is where Buffalo Bill is buried. In the thirty years we have lived in this state, we have never visited his gravesite. Every time we'd see the exit on I-70 we think, "We should go visit that sometime."

So when we finished the task I came to campus for, he asked if we could just drive somewhere, even just around town, but immediately suggested we take a drive up the mountain to the whitewashed "M" made of thousands of stones near the top. The road they had had to walk up, with a ten pound rock to add to the M three weeks before, part of freshman orientation. Good idea, let's go.



The M can be seen from miles away, even at night, as it is lit up. And it looks high up. But it doesn't look nearly as high up when you are at the bottom, as it does when you are at the top looking down on the campus, ...and downtown Denver and probably Colorado Springs on a clear day. I don't think I have ever driven on such a steep mountain. I lost count of how many bikers I saw pedaling up the mountain road. Number Three Son said he heard it is about a 38% grade mountain. I just call it Sheer Dropoff from one side of the "hairpin curve" to the other.

This view is from the first pullout I stopped at. ( Click on the photo to see details.) See the tiny litle red and white sign in the distance... behind the athletic fields? That's the famous Coors Brewery. If you build a brewery, a college will come.





That group of buildings in the upper left corner is downtown Denver. Those are tall office buildings. They look like kids' toy buildings blocks from half way up the mountain.




This is the view from the place where Buffalo Bill is buried. You are truly at cloud level here... gazing down at plateaus, towns, cities, and roads like a map brought to life. We never did actually see the grave site because we ran out of time. Son had to get back to campus for a meeting. Next time we'll see it and the Boettcher Mansion, which is further up the mountain.

Multi-Tasking

The older I get the less I tolerate tool noise, so I trim the grass edges by hand. While carrying out this chore along side flower beds, I get to enjoy the flowers and check for any disease or bug problems, but it can get a bit boring when cutting the grass next to sidewalks, the patio or the cement garage foundation. I used to try to talk on the phone, but sometimes no one is available to talk or the conversation ends before or extends beyond the chore. What to do?

Resume Beth Moore's Bible Memory Verse Challenge to memorize 24 verses (2 per month) in a year. We pick our own verses so they have personal application or meaning to us. I'm not very good at sitting myself down to do scripture memory, but I am finding myself looking forward to cutting the grass now because I get to work on my memory verses. In fact, I think of it as memorizing time and I just happen to be getting the grass cut at the same time.

My Favorite Garden

My "Aspen Garden" on 26 May 2007

In the autumn of 2006, I killed the front lawn so we could start over with better soil, less watering, a sprinkler system and a new fescue grass, called Rescue Fescue. Anyway, I didn't get the seed into the soil until October 2007, so this garden was the only pretty thing to look at in our front yard that year.

A few years after we moved to this house I started a garden journal in a plain little spiral notebook...the kind school kids use. I wanted something simple that I could tape pictures in and write about the failures and successes of each season. It's a great history of my front and back yards because I have added gardens, transplanted perennials and ripped out bushes and trees. It is also wonderful to look at during the winter when everything has died, or looks dead, in the case of perennials.

I still have the garden journal notebook, but have not kept up with the entries since I bought a digital camera in 2001. I rarely make prints of digital photos. I would like to get back to it, but in the meantime this blog will serve as my garden journal.


My yard is an ever changing palette for the art of gardening. Many times all these changes have frustrated me. I accepted that plants and trees die, but I wished I could just figure out a plan that worked and be done with it. Not make so much work for myself. And now I am trying to reduce the numbers of plants, etc because I have other interests and less energy than I did in my younger days. It's difficult for me to rip out a healthy baby 'volunteer' plant. It breaks my heart to do that, but I remind myself that the garden will be prettier if I keep it under control and it will mean less work in autumn when everything is going to seed.

In this garden that I call the "Aspen Garden" I planted a half dozen lupines or so many years ago. The originals have died, but 'volunteers' have taken their place. Three years ago I did not have many lupines, but last year I didn't have time to pull up the volunteers and I'm so happy to see the new colors this year...pinks and lavenders. Just gorgeous! I lost the blue columbines under one of the aspens and that was okay because the flowers quickly became covered in sticky sap dripping from the aphids that were feasting on the aspen leaves and then fluffy 'cotton' from the neighbors cottonwood trees stuck to the flower petals. Very ugly. This happened for several years. Ants 'farm' the aphids and it's difficult to get rid of the ants.




My "Aspen Garden" on 30 May 2008

The grass has come in, along with a lot of volunteer Johnny Jump Ups, that came from ONE garden. I decided to let them grow along with the grass. It looked like a mountain meadow to me. I pulled them up when the seed began to mature. It was a one time experiment.



"Aspen Garden" under clouds 26 May 2009

I think this is my favorite year for this garden. It just keeps getting better and better. I have gotten the best ever close ups with my macro lens.



"Aspen Garden" under the sun 27 May 2009

Sun dappled petals are so beautiful. I am easily transported to a fairy tale scene when I sit on the front patio overlooking this garden



Three colors of lupines 27 May 2009

Love this color combo.

Tulips!

Tulips are one of my favorite flowers. Each Spring I am obsessed with taking pictures of them. I love this shot, though it is not my fave from today's photo shoot. My favorite is being saved for My Flower Book. About a week ago I learned that Snapfish and other photo websites will make actual hardbound or spiral books of your photos for you! I am making it my mission to put together my best flower photos for my own book this year. So much fun! The hard part will be picking out the best ones.






Here's another favorite. Johnny Jump Ups. They "volunteer" like crazy. The year before last, I let them go to seed in our newly re-seeded grass, so last Spring I had a "meadow" for a front yard. It was a beautiful one time experiment. The most common color has the deep, deep purple top petals. I love the pale mutated pastel ones though...so delicate looking.

Spring Fever

It was a warm Spring day today, so I decided a visit to my local nursery would be wonderful for my soul. I didn't intend to buy anything, but I found a very pretty colored glass wasp trap, which I couldn't pass up.

The past couple of years we have had a bad problem with wasps taking up residence in our bunny cages. We don't have bunnies anymore, but I'm not ready to say "We will never have bunnies again." and so I'm not going to get rid of the cages. But I don't want wasps either. The cages sit behind the clothes lines and last year I could only use one line of the clothes lines because of the wasps and the volunteer sunflowers that grew under the clotheslines. Got stung once. The sunflowers attracted the wasps I'm sure, but I love to photograph the little yellow finches that come to feed on the sunflowers, and the bees and ladybugs too.








Speaking of ladybugs, I also found a cute little ladybug windspinner for the pergola and two packets of sweet pea seeds that I couldn't resist. I love the smell of sweet peas.











I seem to be on a garden accessories binge lately. Last week I bought wind chimes, something I've always been afraid would annoy me after a while. So far they are not.













A garden stake that glows in the dark and a sectional fence for the strawberry garden might have also been purchased.

Emily P's Recital

Last night I had the pleasure of hearing Emily P play the violin and piano at her "unofficial" senior recital, which took place at her church. She has been taking violin lessons since the age of three, and piano since the age of eight, of course she is very good at both. She is a member of several honor orchestras and has played in our city's symphony. Her mother is a violin teacher, though she did not teach her daughter. That never works very well.





Emily played seven pieces, and had all but the last one, "Tarantella", a duet with her mother, memorized. I really like that piece, but my favorite was "The Entrance of the Queen of Sheba". It struck me while mother and daughter were playing together, what a blessing it is for them to share the gift and beauty of making music together. To create something at the same time, to blend in perfect harmony. It is certainly something rare and precious in this day and age, a mother and daughter bonding through classical music.

Pastel Mints Medicine

I bought a box of pastel mints today that were marked down to half price. I am not in the habit of buying candy or keeping it around the house, mostly because I have no self-control when it comes to sweets. None. Two of my boys still live at home. At Halloween, I buy candy early while the selection is good, then I give the unopened bags of candy to them for safe keeping. LOL I buy their favorites because they get to eat whatever is leftover, and anymore, we don't get many Trick or Treaters.

On a sidenote, Youngest Son was disappointed that Halloween fell on a Friday last year since he didn't get to dress up and go beg for candy because he had a football game to play in. Just as well...people look a little askance at a 6'2" 'kid' Trick or Treating.

Anyway, back to the story. Mom bought me a crystal candy dish some years ago. I have it filled with dried hollyhock flowers. My mom never kept candy out in the open either. She'd hide chocolate up in a kitchen cupboard. But my youngest sister aka a Chocolate Bloodhound, would find it. When we were very young, and one of us needed a St Joseph's orange flavored baby aspirin, which we LOVED, she would open up another aspirin bottle for the "well" kid. It held pastel mint "medicine" and she gave one mint to the well kid. We knew it wasn't medicine, but it kept everybody happy.

Here's a picture of my sister and me at about the ages of four and two, when we were given "pastel mint medicine". I'm the dark haired one on the right.




P.S. I've eaten almost the whole jar of mints while typing this...that's 130 g of sugar! Ugh! I'm getting a headache and going into a coma now. Goodbye.

Spring Garden Chores Begin

This is my strawberry garden, ...rather messy after winter. We threw some old cyclone fencing and a broken trellis across it for the winter because our dog was having territory issues with the dogs next door and would tear through my strawberries, leaving torn up plants in her wake. The dead vines hanging on the trellises are perennial sweet peas.

Actually, this is the second version of a strawberry garden I planted probably 18 years ago. The first one never thrived as it was shaded by a big cottonwood tree AND tree roots interfered with the whole garden concept. Impossible to dig and plant around tree roots. Those plants died out and the garden was abandoned.

Then the cottonwood's lead branch was destroyed in the October Blizzard of 1994. The tree began to slowly die, though we kept it for a long while because my boys loved to climb it AND one end of a zip line was attached to it. A few years ago we had the tree cut down. Meanwhile, on the other side of the backyard, my neighbor's strawberry plants had migrated under the fence into my border garden. But our side of the fence was very shady and again the strawberry plants didn't produce much fruit.

Last year, I decided to transplant a bunch of those 'volunteers' to my old strawberry garden, which now sits in the sun most of the day. I put in as much compost as my compost bins had produced, to enrich the soil and started anew.

I was rewarded with the tastiest strawberries I've ever had in my life. The flavor is intense and sweet. Now, I simply cannot abide even the organic strawberries that our local supermarket carries. "My" strawberries have the deepest, most solid red color I've ever seen. I have no idea what name they are called, but who cares. They taste great.





Below is what the perennial sweet peas look like in summer...I left these that I had planted in interim years "between strawberry gardens" because they are so beautiful . I tie them to the trellises. I'd like them planted somewhere else because they throw a million seeds that volunteer, but right now I don't know where to put them.





Here is the garden all cleaned up an hour or so later.






Can't wait to eat some of these strawberries in a couple of months!

P.S. The blue metal drum there off to the left... it's full of compost from the local sewage treatment plant. It is deemed safe for kitchen gardens, but I just can't bring myself to use it on them. I do use it on the lawn and flower gardens though. Powerful stuff...a little goes a long way,...the flowers love it.

Thirteen Minutes

Number One son flew into the Big City early this afternoon and took an airport shuttle to our town where I picked him up at the bus stop drop off. A few mintues after we arrived home he said he wanted to get a hair cut and he thought he would just run to the hair salon because it was such a nice day (40 degrees and sunny). The hair salon is basically a 1.75 miles round trip, straight down the street that intersects ours, in a strip mall. One and three-quarters of a mile,...remember that. It takes me about twenty mintues to walk each way, or at least it did when I last walked it years ago. I guessed I had about a half hour or more to get a few things done before he arrrived back home if he didn't have to wait at the salon. I figured mid afternoon would probably be pretty slow there. He wore blue jeans and a t-shirt and took off with his long strided jog. He stands well over six feet. THIRTEEN MINUTES later I look out the front door glass storm door and see him jogging up our sidewalk ...and I can see his hair has been cut or rather shaved in his case. He wears a very short military type cut. He did run cross-country in high school, but never even made varsity team. I said, "You only left THIRTEEN MINUTES ago!" He just chuckled and said,"Well, I just ran into the salon and she took out the hedge trimmers, cut my hair, I paid, and ran back home. But now what do I do?"

Gee, I don't know, why don't you negotiate World Peace in the next fifteen minutes.

Friday Favorites

I was diagnosed with gluten intolerance almost two years ago. My body is taking a long time to heal from a lifetime of abuse from putting what it considers a poison into it. I get really tired of having to take so many supplements to heal it. I often forget to take several of them, so my New Year's Resolution is to make a chart with what I'm supposed to take. One of the ones I "forget" is EFAs because I dislike the taste of flax oil, hemp oil and fish oils.

I want to share my new favorite nutrient supplement. I think I'm addicted.

Barlean's Omega Swirl Lemon Zest flavor, an Omeqa-3 Fish Oil supplement, made with pharmaceutical grade cod liver oil. I bought it by mistake as I was looking for a flax seed oil supplement and this was positioned in the middle of a long line of flax oil supplements. It claims to taste like a smoothie. I think it taste like some of the best lemon meringue pie filling I ever had, in liquid form. It is very thick and rich and I could easily overdose by drinking the whole 16 oz bottle at once, but

A. I don't know if you can overdose on it, but I'd rather not chance it and
B. it costs about $24 a bottle at the place I buy it

Anyway, my diet is so restricted that it is like dessert to me. I LOVE it.

And because I know people will wonder, no I'm not receiving any compensation from Barlean's. They don't even know I exist.

Past, Present and Future

Number Three Son...this 18 year old child of mine...some days, next Fall when he goes off to college cannot come soon enough...he argues against or puts down EVERY single thing I say and according to him, every reason I have for doing something is beyond STUPID. He has always been the child who talked to me the most, shared the events of his day with me... and nowadays is so contentious that I don't want to try to converse with him because I know it is going to stress me, something I really don't need with my health issues. It just makes things worse. But I miss the young boy who was easy to please and thought I was smart and capable.

Last week, he slipped up when he asked me for some information and I replied that I did not know (it was something along the lines of how many hours HE worked last year or some other activity where I was not present, information he needed for filling out a scholarship application). Anyway, I said, "How could you expect *me* to know that information, *I* wasn't there, you were." BTW, I was sitting at this computer in one room, and he was in his bedroom. And I heard him answer quietly, "Because you're a genius." I'm sure he didn't think I could hear him since he always accuses me of being deaf. I said, "WHAT did you say?" "Nothing, nothing." LOL

Somedays, it takes all my self control not to grab the iron skillet and whack him upside the head as hard as I can. But then there is his fun-loving side that he shows everyday, such as this. He is obsessed with the movie and character of Forrest Gump. He walks around the house quoting all the different kinds of shrimp in his best Forrest immitation. It drives us nuts and my DH and I end up shouting "Shut UP!" He has worn a crew cut hairstyle since second grade and has worn it extra high and tight lately, resembling the Forrest Gump hairstyle.

And yesterday,...he came home for lunch and changed clothes. He put on his Bubba Gump Shrimp Company baseball cap and dressed in white slacks, an old short sleeve plaid shirt of his dad's, a belt, and running shoes...
and went back to his fourth block class...AP Calculus.

Forrest Gump in Calculus class. LOL
He said his teacher, Mr Z, just looked at him and couldn't stop laughing.

I will miss him terribly when he leaves home. And sigh with relief.

GF Ginger Cookies

I heart gingerbread cookies. They are one of my favorite holiday foods. I actually made a Candyland game with gingerbread a few years ago. The house, the markers all made out of gingerbread.

I have a GF recipe for gingersnaps that I have played around with several times. All are very delish. This is made in a food processor so it is quick and easy.
I have cut the amount of sugar in half from the original recipe, trying to reduce the sugar to a minimum. You may want to add more.

Measure and add the first four ingredients to the food processor in this order and process. Measuring and emptying the olive oil before the molasses allows the molasses to just slide right out of the cup.

1/4 c. brown or maple sugar
1/4 c. EVOO (extra virgin olive oil)
1/4 c. molasses
1 tsp vanilla extract

Mix together in small bowl:

3/4 c. flour (amaranth, sorghum or brown rice)
1/2 c. arrowroot powder or tapioca flour
1/4 c. one of flours above not already used
1 tsp. xanthum gum
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1 1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon

Add to the wet ingredients in several batches, processing between each addition.

Add 2 T water(if needed). Oil baking sheet or use parchment paper. Make dough into 1" balls. Flatten. Bake at 325 degrees F. for 10-12 minutes if you like a crispy cookie outside and soft inside. Bake a few minutes longer if you like hard gingersnaps. Ler cool on the cookie sheet for a couple minutes before removing.

I am in mourning for one of my favorite actresses who died. Five years ago. Only I just found out last week. Hope Lange. She was only 72 years old when she died on 17 Dec 2003.

I first saw her in "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" TV series, which to this day is the most romantic series I've ever seen. It ran for two seasons, 1968 - 1970 and Hope Lange won two Emmy's for her portryal of Mrs. Muir. It was the ultimate "we can never be together story line"...a living woman and a dead man's ghost. I fell in love with both the Captain and Carolyn Muir. Mostly their voices. And they had some great dialogue. Feisty and funny. I loved their chemistry together.

I was a teenager when the series ran, straddled between childhood and adulthood, with all the conflicting emotions and desires a teen feels. Carolyn Muir was a strong woman, a widow with two children, a boy about 7 and a girl, 9 years old. She supported herself as a writer, (though logic would suggest that she had a good size inheritance also, as she employed a full time housekeeper/cook, Martha Grant).

I was drawn to the Carolyn Muir character on several levels. On the one hand, she was the kind of mother I wanted, but didn't have. Strong, healthy, energetic, happy even in the face of adversity, spirited, able to stand on her own ... a wonderful role model. (This is not to disrespect my mom, who had many wonderful qualities.) And she had a career as a writer. Something I wanted to be but never voiced. Then there was the teenage girl in me who wanted boys to like her, be attracted to her and looked forward to being in love. The captain was so male, so handsome and so interesting to be around and converse with, and had such a sexy male voice. How could any female not fall in love with him? So I wanted to BE Carolyn Muir as well. To be the object of Captain Gregg's intense fascination.

Of course I have searched the internet for all the information I could find about the cast of the show. Edward Mulhare, the actor who played Captain Daniel Gregg is dead also (1997). So is that like dying twice? But I was fortunate enough to find some Wave files with dialogue from the shows which I loaded onto my iTunes...where I can click on Repeat and the clip will be played over and over and over...when I'm alone, lest I drive my sons crazy. How wonderful it is to hear their voices again. Be still my heart.

GF DF Krispy Sugar Wafers

The Characters













1 Tablespoon GF vegan margarine

4 Tablespoons powdered sugar

¼ teaspoon GF vanilla powder

2 rice crisp breads


Forget about calories with this one. Chances are you don't need to worry about weight if you are gluten and dairy intolerant..., you don’t indulge in the readymade sugary temptations that abound on the grocery store shelves, that pile on the pounds, because they contain gluten and/or some other food you are sensitive to. Every GF cookie I’ve seen in stores has some ingredient I’m sensitive to. When I first bit into this plain crispy rice wafer, the texture reminded me of the neopolitan sugar wafers that come in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry flavors and I knew I had to make a gluten free version. This one is vanilla flavored. It is quick, easy and delicious with some fresh fruit.

Try adding cocoa powder if you prefer chocolate. Powdered flavorings won’t thin the filling.

First, measure one T. vegan margarine and melt in microwave, approximately 15 seconds. Just get it melted, it doesn’t have boil.























Add the powdered sugar and powdered vanilla to the margarine. Blend with a fork until it’s nice and creamy.

Now pile the yummy, sugary filling onto the rice crisp bread as thick as you like it. For me that is ¼ inch, Top with another rice crisp bread and enjoy.

GF Amaranth Pancakes

This is my favorite breakfast in the world. Amaranth pancakes with as much vegan margarine as will stay on top of the pancake, topped with powdered sugar and finally organic blueberries. My tongue would love to taste this every single morning. But I must restrain myself and only fix it only once a week or I will weigh 300 pounds within a year.

The recipe is modified from the one on the back of the package of Bob's Red Mill Amaranth Flour. I substitute arrowroot flour for tapioca flour. You could also substitute potato flour for the tapioca.



1/4 cup Apple juice or Milk (I use Almond Milk if I'm using milk)

1 tsp Oil

1/4 cup Bob's Red Mill Amaranth Flour

1/4 cup Bob's Red Mill Tapioca Flour

3 Tbsp Arrowroot Starch (since I substitute Tapioca flour with arrowroot above, I measure 1.5 Tbsp of arrowroot and 1.5 Tbsp amaranth for the 3 Tbsp Arrowroot here)

1/4 tsp. Cinnamon

1/4 tsp Baking Powder

1/8 tsp Sea Salt

BEAT egg then beat in juice and oil. ADD remaining ingredients to egg mixture one by one and BEAT after each addition. Heat griddle to medium high and COOK until bubbly; turn and cook until done. Makes 8-10, 3" pancakes or about 5, 4" pancakes.

I'll Just Pretend I'm Not Here

Every year one of our local TV stations sponsors a Health Fair in my town, a two week statewide event. It offers free and low-cost exams to anyone 18 and older. I go every year because we only carry what I call catastrophic insurance, with deductibles so high that I never go to a medical doctor for routine maintenance since the entire fee would come out of my pocket. So while I'm waiting to get my blood drawn, the gal next to me mentions that she picked this site because they are offering pap smears. They are? That is new to my city's health fair this year...maybe I should get one. I cannot remember the year I last had one...must have been 10 years ago or so. So as soon as the vampire lady, strike that, the phlebotomist, draws my blood, I go see about the breast exam and pap smear. Turns out it's free. Okay, I'll get one. Well, the fair is open for another 90 minutes and they already have all the alotted time slots filled, but I am able to get my name on a waiting list in case some people decide not to wait around. I go have a couple other exams, checking back intermittently. Five minutes before the closing of the health fair, the sign-up lady says that the three or four of us left will be seen before the hospital crew comes to take down the tables and load them up. I am the next to the last person. By now, all the other stations are cleaning up and the firemen that sit on call in the large room where all the blood is drawn (in case anyone faints from the sight of their own blood I guess) are taking pictures of the volunteer phlebotomists.

Oh, and did I mention that the site for the health fair this day is a church, ... but not my church.

The breast exam/pap smear is held in what must be the kindergarten Sunday school room. How I know this is because there is a wipe-off board low on the wall where kids have signed their name when they've lost their first tooth. There is a privacy screen off to a side of the room for changing and the exam table is almost directly in front of the doorway. Great position. Right outside the room there is a large portable chalkboard that blocks the view in case the door is opened by an idiot during an exam. So I undress. I cannot believe I am stripping naked in a kid's Sunday school room, for crying out loud. When I woke up this morning this was not in The Plan. I put on my paper vest (open at the front), wrap the paper sheet around my lower half and climb up on the exam table. The midwife does breast the exam and starts the pap smear exam.
And she can't find my c-e-r-v-i-x! How long have you been doing this lady? What do you mean you can't find my c-e-r-v-i-x? It's hiding she says. Yes, she really said that. That's probably because we are in a CHURCH, in a little kid's Sunday school room, for heavens sake. It knows this is like a sin or something. I feel like God and all the saints are watching. This goes on for several minutes and she keeps apologizing...it's an equipment problem she says ( the cheap little disposable clear plastic thingies they shove inside you keeps slipping). So she has her assistant elevate my one thigh a little higher by putting her arm underneath and supporting the weight. "Just relax, hon, I'm strong enough to hold the weight of your leg." Relax? Are you kidding..this is the weirdest pap smear I have ever had in my life. How can I relax? This maneuver doesn't work and she still can't find the dang c-e-r-v-i-x. I am thinking at this rate I'm still going to be naked on this table when the little kids come marching in here on Sunday morning, so I ask, "Should I maybe elevate my other leg?" "Yes, go ahead", she answers. So I stick my other leg up and now both feet are aimed at the ceiling, like week old roadkill. And then ...the unthinkable happens...
A man just opens the door and starts to walk in. HEY! WE ARE TRYING TO HAVE A GYNO-CO-LOGICAL EXAM HERE, MISTER. DO YOU MIND? Apparently, the clean up crew has not been notified that this room is still being used. At least I do not hear anything like "My eyes! My eyes!" I never actually saw the guy, which is a good thing, because if I had, I would have been too embarrased to walk out of the room, knowing which guy saw me bare-butt naked, and maybe recognizing each other. I can only hope it wasn't the fireman photographer.
Anyhow, the man is shoo-ed out and the mid-wife finds the missing c-e-r-v-i-x and finally completes the exam. And I live to tell about it. When the DH gets home he asks me how it went at the health fair. And when I tell him, he shakes his head, saying "I am so embarrassed, I am so embarrassed, I am never going to the health fair again." And I'm saying, "what are you talking about, YOU'LL never have to get a pap smear." Men!

I Am Married to "Tim the Toolman"

When will I ever learn? If it doesn't involve cars (with which he is a mechanical Genius) or cooking, make sure my husband, Mr Fix-it, has explicit instructions and knows he must follow them. Our roof is only five years old, but we had some shingles curling around one of the vents on the roof. Fixing the shingles is on the weekend's agenda. So Mr Fix-it drives to the hobby store for some paint and also stops at the hardware store to pick up some roofing tar to repair the roof. He comes home with a CAN of roofing tar.

Before I know it, he is knocking on the back door for me to come hold the ladder while he climbs up on the roof. Now this is the six foot wooden step ladder I bought for $2 at a garage sale fifteen or so years ago. Somehow we have just never had a spare $100 or so dollars lying around that begged to go buy a nice 24 foot ladder. Middle Son is already on the roof, having climbed up the wobbley ladder the way he always does, then using the heavy trellis work over the patio to brace himself and climb onto the roof.

Mr Fix-it tries to do this, but after several tries, gives up. I remind him that he is over fifty years old, to Middle Son's nineteen, and tell him to go borrow a ladder from the next door neighbors. Thankfully, he does. He and Middle Son get busy repairing the roof and I go to the back fence to pick raspberries. They are done in just a few minutes and Mr Fix-it asks me to take a look.

I do and I can't believe it. Our previously beautiful roof, that had nothing but a few shingles with curled edges, now has an area that could serve for military target practice. He put BLACK tar under and ON TOP of the CREAM COLORED shingles, so there's not a chance a single raindrop will ever make it's way into the attic. That two foot area is sealed as tight as Noah's Ark.

"How does it look?", he asks. He masked off the area he tarred, so it is a neat square, and he is proud of it... but I cannot tell a lie. And I have to use the "C" word. "It looks like crap!" He is greatly offended. I have insulted his male pride, (for which I have apologized), but for the love of pete, how unsightly does this look? He clearly did not think this through. I ask him what he would have done if there were many problem areas on the roof. Put squares of black tar all over our roof? Like a giant checkerboard? I don't know where he got this repair idea, but it couldn't have been from asking someone at the Helpful Ace Hardware store where he shopped. I found instructions on the Internet afterwards. It says to buy a CAULKING tube of roofing tar, and apply to the under edge of the shingle, as I logically assumed Mr. Fix-it would do, and weight the shingle down with a brick while it dries. But could he just look up instructions for something he knew nothing about? Noooooooooo, he had to wing it. And speaking of wings, I'm going to pray that birds use the Big Black Spot for target practice when they fly over...camoflauge the Spot, so to speak.

I want it fixed correctly!
But I am fighting an uphill battle, people...Mr Fix-it thinks it looks fine and both sons say, "Who looks at the roof?"

How about you? Do have any stories of repair jobs gone awry? Tell me I'm not alone.

Welcome to my blog

My name is DeniseClaire. A little about me...I have an artistic nature and many interests. Photography, quilting, gardening, reading and writing are my main pursuits. Someday I will break out all the scrapbooking supplies I have purchased and put them to use also. I have a husband and three sons who keep me from spending too much time with those activities. They are also artists.

I hope you'll stop by often to see what we are up to.